Family, relatives & friends

One does not need anybody as we sail through life, maybe your life’s partner, if we have one. This is how most sees and accept it. I happen to be one of them and did abide by it religiously. We just continue to do our own thing, does not offend anybody nor step on their toes. When a party invades your space, we would strike them down and cut them, so onlookers are aware of our capabilities, and realize what would be in store for them, should they cross that line. That is, if you do not become bed ridden. Even then, we would try our best to prod along like a wounded dog, trying to make it, on our own. Some would loose out and depart for another plane, if life after death exist, while others still tries to cling on and try to make it. Ashamedly admitted, that I am one of them.

When we pass the threshold of sixty years, invariably some kind of health problem or another, would accompany us, whether we like, want it or otherwise. For some, it might be financial, while others, it maybe changes in life style, where acceptance in reality becomes hard to bear. I have a dear friend who built a up his home as best as he could, forfeiting himself and throws everything he’s got for the betterment of his family. A true martyr one might say, but life in return, has not been that understanding to him. I know of another, who tried his best to remain in his shining tower, but once we crossed that threshold, we just have to accept it humbly and let others soldier on. No use crawling back up the castle walls again, we will just fall harder to the ground. Life is at times is like a chameleon, it may show one thing, while the reality is another. Another friend identified reality and faced the facts of life, modest in his living and humble on his thoughts, however was picked up by the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. Another dear couple, both retired, and life has treated them well. Health problems were too minor to mention and also financially sound, however regretfully faced other family issues, one could not expect likely to happen. Another acquaintance of high standing and office, with a nice family, financially sound, fell from grace and finds it hard to accept reality. For them, money was not a criteria, nor their health, but what they wanted most was, position and status, to march on forward in the rat race. It seems as though friends also do suffer, and I cannot rely on them fully for my answer towards my salvation.

One thing which is crystal clear to me, is that, we cannot get old, retain our status or position, good health, with no family issues or face financial breakdowns. Something for sure will have to give way. I have never heard for someone to get old, healthy, and wealthy with no outstanding issues. From the outside looking in, it is rather a rare case, to be that good or lucky. I wonder who can help us get away from our sufferings.

As for me, I got sick and bed ridden. Doctor friends and career acquaintances together with people I’ve known, did rally round my sick bed, but it’s us, and we alone must overcome this hurdle. While some are lucky, others are not so. For me, it was a bittersweet experience. Bitter in the sense, my sickness if caught within three hours, could have been reversed, and I did that not. Sweet in the sense that, my working son abroad, manages to drag me on a plane bound for Singapore and sort out any issues there. In Singapore, one needs to pay for the level of care that we desire. My son had enough money and retained enough in Central Provident Fund (CPF) to address my sickness. It is surely a sweet and kind gesture, while some are not that lucky to experience this, due to lack of funds. My wife beside me showered all the care, while my son arranged for the best medical attention money can buy, of course, within reason. I could not ask for more. Friends, some I did not expect, shouldered responsibilities for which I cannot thank them enough. Friends and family are a great source to lean on.

I do have two elder siblings, both of whom are girls, women now, more correctly, old ladies, today. They live their own lives and we are not on speaking terms. It all started when I was about nineteen, a young aspiring mercantile marine officer, serving with the national shipping line. The younger of the elder sister told me that she was getting married soon, and as per mother’s wishes, she will be taking over the present premises and I am permitted to lodge, should I so desire. I believe this was an one-way street type of statement, after all, we are a sibling of three and should have discussed it together. That point in time, the eldest sister was already married to an Army Officer, and was living in an apartment, on their own. However, I did move out voluntary, and stayed onboard. If posted ashore, kipped at my eldest sister husband brother’s place.  Since then, our communication became severed. Furthermore, after mother passed away, her saving of jewelries, were roughly valuated by my uncle and eldest nephew of my mother. Sounds quite fair on face value. But when the time came for actual distribution, one sister would say, this set is not to be counted or valued, as mother said it was meant for her. Come another set, the other sister would comment the same. Each would second the other comments. Share we did, on what’s left of it, and was asked to sign the distribution. I made no protests, as the votes were always going to be two to one, and the umpires may have been a wee bit biased too, but who’s to tell. I was extremely upset, however, as there was nothing much I could do, I just let the distribution be concluded. Please note, there was nothing in writing about allocations, except their words, vouching for each other. I realized that blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to selfish desires, what can I say? Thus, family is also not my salvation to be relied upon, according to my bitter experience, which I rather not share.

Even though ultra displeasure on my side, I let it ride. This distribution made me even stronger in mind, and tried my level best to make something of myself. I started to hit the books and secure more qualifications and save every penny that I could. Life did improve, and even manage to build a house of my own, in a good residential location and have a wonderful family also. With time, the sword of truth did prevailed. Here say of unfairness during the jewelry distribution starts to be heard, this or that set was not included or why a certain set of jewelry, which was not in the distribution and was not returned, after a loan. To top it off, the eldest sister was having a hard time by then. Their oldest son, stole some pieces and while others were lost in gambling and they now reside in my mother’s apartment with the other sister gone and built a house of their own, in town. One day, the eldest sister came to my house, as she wanted me to sign legally, agreeing that, I do so at my free will, that the apartment in question has nothing to do with me from henceforth, in return for a small sum of money. I did endorse the statement so that they can call a place of their own but declined the money. While I was young, I was branded black sheep of our family and generally, no one wished to be associated with me. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I really do not want to be associated or talk to them anymore. No one walked the extra mile nor threw out a lifeline or buoy to a sinking man. I swam, and swam to shore. At the end of the day, I believe that mother did give me her most precious will and testament, that is, she gave me a strong mind and an undying will power, to soldier on to a much better life, worth much more than the jewelry I missed out on.  Thank you mother, thank you very much.

I have a cousin who happens to be quite close to me, she splits her time between Myanmar and The United States, as her health matters can only be addressed there. I do admit that she herself and her family did a lot towards my well-being. She enquired whether I would agree to accept my siblings in my house or able to greet them outside, should I see them, as they are of concern to my health. I humbly replied that, once bitten twice shy. I would let bygones be bygones and do forgive for their wrong doings, whether they wish to admit or otherwise. However, as I am unable to forget, thus better to remain status quo. They can keep their pride for all I care. Peace on earth, for all concerned. Therefore, are relatives the answer to my salvation question? No clear-cut answer there, I’m still pondering.

It just goes to prove that, blood or no blood, selfishness is on case to case basis, which depended on person to person. My motto is, ‘related that we are, but to live our own lives and best be apart far’. At my age, no use looking back or create any more animosity, what’s done is done and let the sleeping dog lie. Such is life, never a smooth sailing. Thus, family seems not the answer I am looking for either.

In Singapore, my hospital room was like Piccadilly Circus, friends from near and far came to support and I do thank them for their undivided concern. Some were like me over sixty, while others were still young. Some entrepreneurs, a few were businessmen, others were old man similar to me with a sick wife at home. Most of all, my wife’s friend, Daw Mu Mu, single and retired, would make it a point to shepherd me throughout. The hospital staff, were caring, a few were Myanmar, which made it more comfortable. The physiotherapists tried to make me well in the shortest possible time. Mr. Siva, Ms.Prima, Dr. Radika, just to name a few. Doctors were also second to none. Dr. K.F. Tang, Dr. Y.T. Lim, Dr. Cheng Jun etc. etc. Good folks all, with a heart of gold. In short, I have seen them all, in life, good and fellow men at their worst.

All I am trying to put across is, we have to take man, as an individual. Not necessarily to be family, relatives or friends. Blood is thicker than water, that is for sure, but it does not mean that they all will be good. There is always a bad apple somewhere, irrespective of relationships. I have seen sons and daughters not really caring, I also have witnessed, sweet from the outside, while their hearts are so dark, even the sun light cannot penetrate. It takes all sorts to make this world go round. Lonely are the Brave, is only a movie, and Kirk Douglas shines only on the silver screen. While we walk our own paths, we do need some help on the way. No need to salaam to all men we see, but to walk strait, keep a good heart, be fair and do not smile and lie. Buddhist religion teaches us, to always abide by the five precepts, do not kill, lie, be a drinker, abstain from adultery and not steal. It sounds rather easy, but most difficult to do 24/7. Every day we are breaking a precept, I think abstaining from lying is the most difficult. My wife even goes further, she forgive the wrong doers and turn the other cheek also. I don’t and cannot do as she does, but I try to be indifferent, as though nothing to do with me. It’s a wrong attitude, but there you are. Still not the right answer, I’m afraid.

I have a Singaporean Chinese friend, who is a true Buddhist, says what he does and does what he says. A true practitioner, live by the scriptures and abide the precepts. I take my hat off to him. I am not half the man he is, admittedly am ashamed also. We are walking through life as though nothing is wrong, in fact, plenty is wrong, we just do not take the time to identify it. Life has a beginning and also an end, we know this, but just don’t put much thought to it. Everyday, we just toil to make a living, buy and or do things for our current desires. This is not wrong, do we must. However, a thought is yet lacking to make us a better person. What to do, where to go, which to eat, how to see, etc. etc., we are so much engrossed in our current desires only. How can we be free of these problems in our modern materialistic society, I ask you? 

The true answer to my salvation seems to be illusive. Fragments of answers, here and there, incomplete, in short. I still needed an answer to my injustice plight and inequality treatment I had sustained. While young, in modern words, was taken for a ride, and at my old age, sickness strikes me. I am sure I have had my fair share of negative experiences, thus began searching for a code of practice, or way of life, to free myself and to lead me to a happier existence, so that I can continue to walk my autumn years into the sunset. A monk guided me to seek my answers in the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold path, that is the simplest and shortest explanation he could muster.

The Four Noble Truths are all sufferings of sorts. The first, in general, is pain, aging, decease and death. The second is concerning cravings and aversion, while the third is suffering to be overcome through happiness over our useless cravings, and last but not least, the forth is Noble Eightfold path would end all sufferings.

In summary, the Noble 8-fold Path is being moral (through what we say, do and our livelihood), focusing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others. Great stuff!

The monk preached that this is the only way to overcome our sufferings and live a happier existence. What ever we do in life is a cause and it has an effect, and we are all responsible for our past and present actions. Thus, the reason why some of us are gifted, while others are born handicapped and why some live only a short life, or live long with sufferings. Our actions can be summed up by looking at (1) the intention behind the action, (2) effects of the actions on ourselves, and (3) our actions that causes the effects on others.

Even though maybe a bit late, I am willing to sample his teachings. The monk said that what he explained was not his, but rather the teachings of Lord Buddha. In that case, I know it must be right and true, but rather difficult to practice. Easier said than done. The practice is mine alone, and need not rely on family, relatives and friends, as they are superficial to my ultimate goal. So, it seems, Lonely are the Brave, staring Kirk Douglas, does after all, steps down from the silver screen and from his horse too. The philosophy must be much deeper than this, as it took a total of seven years practice by Lord Buddha, for us motels of today, I beg to wonder how long. I do not say I have found my answer to my salvation, but I am going to give it a real good try.

                                    
I think Ralph Waldo Emerson, famous 19^th century American poet said it quite well in his below poetry

Ne te quæsiveris extra.

Man is his own star; and the soul that can
Render an honest and a perfect man,
Commands all light, all influence, all fate;
Nothing to him falls early or too late.
Our acts our angels are, or good or ill,
Our fatal shadows that walk by us still.